as the world spins.

Recently I went through this new type of struggle (for me)… feeling as if I were disassociated from my surroundings. Feeling as if the world is spinning rapidly around me, while my soul stands desperately still with eyes wide open in midst of the incalculable suffering in this world.

omnipotence and omni-benevolence
corruption and misery
prayer and trust
hundreds, thousands, millions
Trying to figure out how all of these words … go together.

For weeks…they haunted my smiles and replaced them with tears, captured my joy and left me with a deep pain. Night after night, I would find myself staring at the ceiling. Each day, I pretended to be joyful while inside I carried a heavy burdened soul.

I felt so confused about where these feelings were coming from so sudden. Suffering was no news to me…pain was no news to me. The world had never broken me before, but had caused me to fight. So where was this coming from?

When I turned to God to express my distress - there was this wall. No words. I battled with prayer like I had never battled before. Whether it was avoidance or inability…I just could not pray.

However, God knew my heart. He carries my soul and knows my mind. He had to show me that I would never understand. Irony- is that such a statement would give me the great peace I had longed for.

I became aware that I was walking away from God, as if I expected him to give me all of the answers or the power to save each innocent being from their sufferings. I had questioned Him, not my belief in Him, but His nature. I allowed myself to be overtaken by the sorrow caused by Satan and to forget how great and powerful is the love of God.

Satan has overturned the earthly world, and the overwhelming misery in this world will only be understood in the light of the Lord’s Kingdom. But, God has promised us a new home.

I choose the journey to Yahweh. I choose to serve His kingdom and seek justice in my Fathers name, to share the love of Jesus, to fall on my knees with humbleness, and illuminate the world around me with joy.

As the world spins, I have hope.