whole milk or 2%?

       I try not to make too many trips to the grocery store but I love cereal...which usually requires a weekly milk purchase for me. (Specifically honey nut cheerios with sliced bananas)  I used to drink 2% but when I moved in with my grandparents last Fall, they have just always bought me whole milk. I like whole milk - a lot - and I am glad that's what they choose to buy for me. 

        Usually I reach my hand in, look at the date and head for the check out. But on this particular day, there I found myself staring philosophically at milk. It must have been two full minutes of me just standing there (and I am pretty certain the men stocking it were aware of this...) Ridiculous it sounds, I know.

        A few days before, I had spent a wonderful day with a really great guy. We met a year ago this Fall, and have been slowly getting to know each other. After going on a few dates, I realized I was not yet in a position to date. I needed more time to figure myself out, to make sure my wounds were healed and strengthen my relationship with Christ. Abruptly, I backed off and no longer did I pursue dating or a relationship. 

       This Spring I came across this guy again and we found ourselves in the same places, interested in the same things, hanging out with friends together....you get it. We are both in Middle Tn for the summer and have been spending time together here now. I always enjoy spending time with him but honestly it wasn't until about a month ago that I realized I actually "like" this guy. He loves the Lord and is convicted about many of the same things I am, he loves others no matter what their past or present lives may look like, he is always thinking about how to serve others and he is hilarious. I kind of...really like him. 

      After that - You are probably wondering why in the world I started this blog off about milk. So back to that recent day we were together - Over dinner we stumbled into some quite interesting yet hilarious discussion about nutrition and working out. It came into conversation that he worked out more than I did...ok ok, way more considering I don't really work out! Portioning meals, evening out the not so good by adding the good. Milk also came up.          

So there I was staring at milk, being reminded of that hilarious conversation, and almost - considering - reaching for 2%. Then I began thinking about this guy. Thinking about how that conversation did not make me feel insecure about the fact that he works out more than I do (like I honestly would have in the past) but it made me realize how comfortable I am with myself. So I brought home whole milk. 

Perhaps this seems like a ridiculous blog to you, but I had an epiphany about my life while simply staring at milk. Two years ago I gave my life to Christ. I asked him to clean me and make me new. I didn't become sinless, or healed overnight. It takes time to be sanctified and time to work out your past with the Lord  - to be able to forgive yourself. But my life has radically changed.

A year ago I knew I would not be for a man what he deserves because I needed more time to heal and strengthen my faith. I also knew that I may have accepted less than what I deserved. 

 I realized that I have truly come to a sense of peace in my life. Happiness. Appreciation. I am as comfortable with myself as I can be and ultimately I know my worth in the Lord.

Last Fall, I asked the Lord not to allow me to focus on it but just to live intentionally. I am very self aware. So of course, I have known that I was happy. I have known that I feel more peace than I ever have before.But the point I am trying to make is that I haven't stopped to think about how far I have come since last Fall. 

Thanks to this guy, and milk. I'm thinking about it.

It is amazing what the Lord can do in your life in such short time and the opportunities he will provide for your growth. More to come on this later...

everyday.

Every day she says

 good morning, 

have a good day, 

I love you. 

Every time she sees me, 

she tells me she is proud, 

 supports my decisions, 

and always listens.

She is my Memaw.

I am blessed to have such a wonderful grandmother,

I am thankful for all she is.

Sometimes it takes a slow down in life and some distance in between, to realize how much an individual cares about you and impact's your life. Also, it reminds you of how much time you haven't been spending with them lately, that you wish you were. When I get home from the summer, I can't wait to greet her with a big hug and let her know just how much she means to me, everyday. 

I love you Memaw!

A collection of photos she has sent me of her flower bed over the past week.

meet Kate.

I spent the morning of my second day meeting with Derri and my Professor to discuss ...

Ok, I just realized that I keep saying professor when referring to this person...which most of you know me and so know that I call Ben Jobe "Professor". But I am not referring to him in my recent posts but a female professor, Dr. Elizabeth Wilson!

Okay, so Dr.Wilson and I met with Derri Tuesday morning to discuss a developing project...something I am actually very excited about and feeling a profound new interest in suddenly! (yes, it relates to the ESTN mission still of course, just a new realm to be educated on.) After this meeting I was able to spend some quality time with my momma abolitionist, Derri Smith, which I enjoyed greatly! :) I always enjoy her wisdom and encouragement.

Even though I had left my roommate a sweet welcome note...I made it home in time to greet her in person when she arrived! I remember her calling me and letting me know she was close, so I went to greet her outside. I saw a mustang nearly identical to my best friends (Brittany Bertoli) but inside was a beautiful blonde lady wearing an adorable hat...meet Kate Unger!

Kate and I immediately - connected. We literally opened our mouths and began talking....
and amidst touring the house and unpacking her car - we went from standing at her car door - to random awkward pauses while bringing in bags - to standing in the kitchen - to sitting face to face at the table to - for at least three hours - never with a silent moment, uncovering every detail of the other's life.

I don't think I have ever had an experience like it with another girl on the first day meeting. We have only known each other for a week (I'm writing this a week later than it happened) and we are able to understand and read each other in a rare way. She often says, "it's like looking in a mirror." Though we are different in so many ways, we are very similar in our thoughts or words and can understand each other without even saying a word or finishing a thought...I love it.

Kate is a beautiful person inside and out. She glows with love for others and wholeheartedly believes in showing other's their value and worth. She has much wisdom and the Lord is doing outstanding things through her!

"A friend is someone who knows everything about you and loves you anyway."

count your blessings.

Once my new friend was dropped off at the airport last Monday, my professor and I were headed to participate in a workshop hosted by our friends at Thistle Farms and Magdalene House. Magdalene House is a thriving housing program for women and Thistle Farms is the name of their social enterprise. Thistle Farm products (lotions, lip balms, soaps, other care products, notebooks, bookmarks, etc) are all hand produced by the residents as a way for them to establish skills and earn a living as they transition into healing lives. I have been familiar with this organization and social enterprise for about a year and have established a relationship with one of the graduates, that I am very thankful for - all of this is because End Slavery Tennessee partners with them in many different ways. But there was a particular reason that encouraged my professor and I to participate in their workshop. 

My professor, along with a good friend of mine, Natalie, are both very passionate about opening a program similar to the Magdalene House in West Tennessee. I introduced them to each other a few months ago and since they have been praying, learning and planning! I would not consider myself a direct influence on this project, but rather my part is to advise when needed, as someone who is familiar (but not an expert!) with organizational leadership, administration and the realms of human trafficking - if that is the direction they plan to take. I also have this pretty amazing woman who provides me with wisdom and always answers my questions, so that I may share that with others. She's been playing the game for a long time and I think she knows who she is if reading this. 

So through this journey we were led to attend the workshop and learn more about the functioning of the housing program and the development of a social enterprise. I was interested in this to gain knowledge to help my friends succeed, of course - but I was really looking forward to being behind the scenes for the first time as well! I had no idea that what would be most memorable to me actually had nothing to do with housing plans or social enterprise. 

Current residents and program graduates welcomed us with kindness and hospitality, and many shared their testimonies throughout the day. We were given a tour of both the main house and the "factory" where the women make the products. We  also heard from both Execs, Becca Stevens and Cary Rayson about both Thistle and Magdalene. They were open books, honest about everything and willing to answer any question or provide you with any information, such as financial information, to take away. Cary Rayson shared that the reason they do this is because they believe in community. If you have an idea and you try to keep it your own, then it will just always be your idea and it will always be tiny. So basically, everyone coming to the workshop has a common goal, so rather than doing things pridefully - let's join forces and get this knocked out together - more effectively and holistically! 

The entire workshop was an outstanding experience that I am very thankful for! I gained much knowledge and met outstanding new friends. What I really want to leave you with though, is simply sharing with you the love and hospitality that I received on this day. When we first arrived, we were graciously welcomed and treated with such profound hospitality. We sat in a circle and each person shared what had brought them to that very moment. The women from Thistle Farms and/or Magdalene House shared with us their testimonies of lives no adjective can adequately describe, but I'll just say of really tough and painful lives. These women outwardly and joyfully praised God while exposing their most tainted moments and darkest secrets. When we visited their homes, they were most thankful ...for what seems to us as such simplicity. One woman stood in the kitchen and expressed how when she came to Magdalene House, she was so grateful just be able to have a fork and a plate to eat her food off of. Others glowed in joy while explaining how they were empowered, regaining their dignity by just being given their own key - trust. Most were thankful just to receive a bed to rest in. 

Count your blessings each day. 

Rejoice always, pray continually, give thanks in all circumstances; for this is God's will for you in Jesus Christ. - 1 Thessalonians 5:16-18

(http://www.facebook.com/ThistleFarms) 

favorite scenes of my cozy summer home.

a humble beginning.

 Whew, deep breath....It's already Sunday - which means that I am on Day 7 of my summer internship and writing about Day 1. I warned, so I have no shame.

A week ago, I spent much of my day PACKING SO MUCH STUFF, with the help of my gracious Mawmaw Dixie (I also enjoyed a nice morning Englewood service and an afternoon church picnic on the lawn!) So, I am not a light packer...I am not saying I am high maintenance - I am far from it - however, there is only one summer a year and at some point in time I paid for all of these cute outfits so they need to be worn when they can be, ya know? I also bought a lot of non-perishable foods in advance to save my summer budget by spending my moms money....just kidding, the offers were made, and I appreciatively accepted! (Thank you mom and Mawmaw, my tummy is happy.)

On any other day, I could probably fit everything I own (minus furniture) into my car just fine. But on this particular occasion, I was picking up a fellow student and professor the next morning to ride to Nashville with me! My grandparents and I carefully placed everything in my car, attempting to leave as much room as we could for my company. I was pretty adamant about getting everything to fit and so there was a lot of piling and squishing. Then I started thinking, which is never a good idea. I decided to text my new friend (yes, first time hanging out was on this trip) and warned him I was taking more than I anticipated and confirmed that he was not claustrophobic. I asked him to send me a photo of his bags...just to be sure they would fit in my car. After seeing the photos, I was kind of concerned so I attempted a visual exercise of having everyone plus his bags in my car and moved things around the best I could.

I tell you in all honesty, I could not sleep at all this night for being so concerned that this poor guy would be so uncomfortable in my car! So many times did I consider getting out of bed to take things out of my car. I begged my self to please just go to sleep...then about 4am I decided to just get out of bed and go repack my car. I didn't repack it entirely, yet I took as much as I could out of the back seat and stuffed it into the trunk.
ahhh, somewhat of a peace came over me. At least I had done the best I could.

A couple of hours later I arrive at Union to pick up my company...and place the bags into my car. The guy put them in, and realized I was not joking about being claustrophobic. He put the bags in and squeezed into the extremely tight space in the back seat. While driving to another building to get the professor joining us, I noticed that the bags were practically falling on top of him. When we stopped, I asked for his permission to rearrange the bags (I had become an expert at that by this point) and was able to at least prevent the bags from falling on him during the 2.5 hour ride.

I must have apologized a thousand times, but he was extremely humble about the entire situation and was honestly one of the sweetest people I had ever met (at least by first impression). Though I would have loved to converse with him the entire ride, I am thankful that he slept the entire way. He brought a pillow and was shaded by all of the things stacked around him...it was like his own little bedroom. I believe this was the best and most comfortable decision made that morning!

I lost sleep from worry the night before and was embarrassed by having him feel squeezed into my car, but when I dropped him off at the airport - he treated me as if I had just provided him with a first class ride.

"God opposes the proud, but gives grace to the humble." - James 4:6

freedom.

As I write this, I sit in a cozy little home adorned in warm tones and earthy designs. On only my second morning to awake here, I already feel right at home. I make my bed, fix my cheerios and open the blinds to find a beautiful day ahead of me, just like home.

Here I sit rocking in this big green chair, reflecting on the past two days when I look up to have my eyes fall upon the only wall picture in this room... "FREEDOM". This beautifully hand painted word is exactly what brings me to this cozy little home I have described to you. Just upstairs, resides the Director of End Slavery Tennessee, Derri Smith, and her family. I have been working within this organization since Fall of 2009, and the Lord has divinely placed me in this chair today to serve as a summer intern.

My life has been blessed by serving this ministry for the past few years and the Lord has continuously opened door after door in my life, calling me to serve His kingdom in this way. I guess you could say I have quite the advantage as an intern who is already knowledgeable about the organization and mission, but this summer gives me a new opportunity to peek in at how my life will more so look like after I graduate next spring, if the Lord continues to will me in this ministry. I also look forward to the opportunity to learn more about survivors, to work with more youth, and you hear us all say this constantly - Human trafficking is a very complex issue and so I look forward to gaining more hands on knowledge about the realms of this issue that are difficult to tackle while attending school (homework, studying, paper writing, tests, etc etc etc)!

Many people have been asking me to blog about what I do with ESTN, so this summer I plan to write as often as I can...or as often as I remember ;) Welcome to this summer journey!

as the world spins.

Recently I went through this new type of struggle (for me)… feeling as if I were disassociated from my surroundings. Feeling as if the world is spinning rapidly around me, while my soul stands desperately still with eyes wide open in midst of the incalculable suffering in this world.

omnipotence and omni-benevolence
corruption and misery
prayer and trust
hundreds, thousands, millions
Trying to figure out how all of these words … go together.

For weeks…they haunted my smiles and replaced them with tears, captured my joy and left me with a deep pain. Night after night, I would find myself staring at the ceiling. Each day, I pretended to be joyful while inside I carried a heavy burdened soul.

I felt so confused about where these feelings were coming from so sudden. Suffering was no news to me…pain was no news to me. The world had never broken me before, but had caused me to fight. So where was this coming from?

When I turned to God to express my distress - there was this wall. No words. I battled with prayer like I had never battled before. Whether it was avoidance or inability…I just could not pray.

However, God knew my heart. He carries my soul and knows my mind. He had to show me that I would never understand. Irony- is that such a statement would give me the great peace I had longed for.

I became aware that I was walking away from God, as if I expected him to give me all of the answers or the power to save each innocent being from their sufferings. I had questioned Him, not my belief in Him, but His nature. I allowed myself to be overtaken by the sorrow caused by Satan and to forget how great and powerful is the love of God.

Satan has overturned the earthly world, and the overwhelming misery in this world will only be understood in the light of the Lord’s Kingdom. But, God has promised us a new home.

I choose the journey to Yahweh. I choose to serve His kingdom and seek justice in my Fathers name, to share the love of Jesus, to fall on my knees with humbleness, and illuminate the world around me with joy.

As the world spins, I have hope.

so much for fresh.

My attempt to redeem my five month gap / failure at blogging...turned into another six month gap. No more promises :) I will post when I post and I hope you will follow!